you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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