I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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