I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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