I wanna bring you to show and tell
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
