The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize