I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
