were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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