yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
