I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
