Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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