textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize