Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
