Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
