i wish my penis had a tongue
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
