his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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