i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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