I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
