I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
