Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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