sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
