I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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