I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize