Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Say something about gay babies.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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