mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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