What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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