a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize