i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
