dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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