And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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