True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We are all done wearing pants today
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
