"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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