i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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