Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
pop tarts are not kleenex
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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