I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
