piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
