it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
