How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
