I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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