fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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