I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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