I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
