My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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