im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
