it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
