he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He felt like a one man threesome
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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