Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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