if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
