is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
