I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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