i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
