She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
