Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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