My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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