Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
