I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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