you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
