Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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