Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
