My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
