Someone shit on the floor
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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