I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am full of burrito and curiosity
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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