Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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