I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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