I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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