"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
