i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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