i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
