fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im holly from the hills drunk
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
