Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
