I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
