i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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