you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
