Plan B is the new Plan A
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
